10. Dermot O’Leary
The presenter I hate the least. He still slightly resembles a human being somewhat, even though you can see nearly all the life has vanished from his eyes (not dissimilar to Tess Daly). The thing that doesn’t make me hate him though, is when he is a guest on a panel show. He’s actually quite funny when he’s not trying to be everyone’s friend and actually uses his own brain to form thoughts and opinions instead of those forced upon him by the blood-sucking dragons at advertising channel phenomenon, ITV.
9. James Corden
The snake-being that I once adored in Gavin & Stacey, has now become an annoying TV presenter instead. His “lad” based humour was funny every so often in an episode of G&S, but now he’s tried to turn it into a franchise it’s become incredibly painful to witness. Especially when he hosted the Brit Awards, it was so tedious and cringey that I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I started to have a heart attack over his over-enthusiastic banter with terrible music artists. I was not impressed.
8. Cat Deeley
A lifeless organism that is essentially the original Dermot O’Leary of television. She now does absolutely nothing, to the best of my knowledge, but in her heyday she was an incredibly annoying character set on pretending to be nice to people she clearly despised and making TV shows that were already terrible, even worse. I have to hand it to her though, it must have taken a long time to perfect such an annoying TV personality, I mean it’s not the sort of thing that just comes out naturally. Then again, it could actually be very natural. In which case, I feel pitifully sorry for any man who spends his life with her.
Sorry Mystery Man.
7. Jeremy Kyle
Although his guests are highly entertaining, he, himself, is a wretched lizard mutant spawned from hell to make working class people that aren’t so bad seem like Neo-Nazi’s (although most of them are soul-crushingly awful). You feel like you need to root for Kyle because his guests are such terrible people, but that’s like rooting for a racist who is beating up the black guy who just tried to mug you, he’s clearly doing it for alternate reasons.
6. Ryan Seacrest
If you already know who this is, then I am sorry for reminding you that he is, sadly, still alive. If you don’t know who he is, don’t Google search him, not unless you want your brain to explode from the stupidity of this poor excuse for a human being. No really, don’t do it. I’m telling you, don’t. Oh go on then, you’ve twisted my leg, you swine.
Here’s a video of him trying to high-five a blind guy.
5. Anne Robinson
The nightmare-ish witch known as Anne Robinson. She invented the stern, penis shrivelling gaze that we all know and fear. She is also possibly one of the oldest people on television in the world (apart from Bruce Forsythe). She, like many other hosts, belittles working class people for not knowing the capital of Luxembourg or how many oranges you can fit into a regular sized Tesco’s carrier bag, not one of the bags for life. Recently she’s tried to become “nice” which was inevitable really, I always knew one day she would wake up, alone, and realise that none of her family were coming to visit her at her retirement community and suddenly decide to act nicer towards people and not mock them for forgetting to say “Bank”.
4. Noel Edmonds
He’s another one of those sinister, “Jeremy Kyle” type presenters. One of those kinds of people who appears to be holding years of repressed rage behind his milky eyes, which he subtly rebukes unto the guests on his show; undermining them and highlighting their stupidity and mental incapacity to choose 20 numbers on the front of boxes until they finally end up with the final 2 boxes, and choose one of them to get a cash prize.
You bastard, Noel.
3. Davina McCall
Say hello to the woman who invented the long, painful pause before you say the answer to something. I bet she failed her GCSE’s because she waited 3 hours before answering the first question to add a sense of suspense to her exam. The annoying thing is though, we are all forced to watch her incessantly, since she’s been hired to host every single show on television.
The Million Pound Drop is such an interesting show, mainly because you can tell after a couple loses all of their money on the last question, because the husband thought the answer was “David Beckham” and the wife disagreed, that they are going to go home in a taxi arguing and then 5 weeks later, file for divorce. The bad thing is, with Davina hosting you feel like a lot of the fun is being sucked out of the show by a vortex. Sigh.
Oh, she also invented the annoying “We’ll find out… after the break” scenario too.
What an absolute shit.
2. Fearne Cotton
The shrill, annoying, all nose woman who ruined Top Of The Pops with her bland personality and her odd facial structure. She seems to be the new Davina, hosting any show that will have her. Slowly becoming the prostitute of television hosts. It’s funny, because she’s one of the few people I know of that can be equally annoying on both TV and radio. It’s quite a talent really, so I really applaud her for that. Well done, Fearne.
1. Ant & Dec
Officially the worst people in the world. Hiding so much in the world of fakery, that I am convinced they are robots built by ITV to form a generation of people like me, who hate everything and everyone and just want stab forks into their eyes so they don’t have to continue looking at the world shrivelling into a giant ball of nothingness. They’re like a Dick & Dom tribute act from another dimension, except they aren’t obsessed with farting or strange psychedelic game shows, which was actually the best part of Dick & Dom.
ITV should invent a show where members of the public pelt root vegetables and handfuls of hummus at Ant & Dec until they run out, and then move toward the section of the show where Ant has to dodge oncoming spears while Dec tightrope walks over a pit filled with a mixture of lava and radioactive waste. Then, maybe, I would watch those two on television. But until that show is broadcast and I can save it on Sky+, they will stay at the top of my most annoying TV presenters list.