There’s too many songs about love. Let’s start writing songs about fish fingers instead.

Love. Eurgh. Just the word makes me feel nauseous. And that isn’t because I don’t have a heart (because a doctor has verified that I definitely do) and it isn’t because I don’t believe in love, it’s because music (as well as film, but that rant is for another day) surrounds us in this mushroom cloud of cliché, vomit inducing bullshit. Saying that love is all fluttery feelings and happiness, which from what I have learned in life, is not true. Not one bit. Nope.

Singers such as Rihanna, who’s every song contains the word love or is about love or contains some weird metaphor for love or equates both sex and love to being virtually the same thing, as well as singers like Bruno Mars, that write songs about imaginary girls that they want to settle down and “be in love with” as well as introducing us to the ever questionable note of being willing to catch grenades to prove the existence of forever flowing love between these two people, keep these themes of love running throughout their music. However, these running themes of eternal, undying love are not accurately portrayed in their personal lives – which I find odd. How can you sing something you supposedly wrote about something you supposedly felt and not reflect that in your life?

Much like the middle class “punk” bands of the 70’s, who were all secretly aristocrats that lied about their anarchical beliefs, the musicians of today similarly don’t live the lives that their music implies they lead. I bet Akon doesn’t actually stay up all night partying and drinking champagne in the VIP room surrounded by big bootied women, I bet he actually sits at home in a relaxing bubble bath and unwinds by listening to some Kenny G and reading a Paul McKenna book. Music is all about persona, but I think a fake persona (actually, scrap that, let’s called it a forced persona) makes for a terrible musician. The public can spot a persona that someone doesn’t really have, they did it with Avril Lavigne, although that one wasn’t too difficult. Of course some personas will be fictionally ridiculous and deliberately unreal, much like David Bowie’s “Ziggy Stardust”. But alternate personas like Bowie’s are simply just a reflection of that person’s own personality, and are as much a part of themselves as an Author’s writing is a part of themselves. Some examples of fake/forced persona’s are:

  • The Kooks, even though they pretend to be northern, are actually from Brighton.
  • Slipknot, who pretended to be the worst people in the world for years, equal to the level of child murderers, turned out to actually be a bunch of lovely guys that are married with kids and are great fathers.
  • 50 Cent off-screen actually being a white guy named Clive from Toronto, Canada that is really into water polo.

This also extends into actors, with:

  • Eddie Murphy who pretends to be an all round family man full of sunshine actually goes out at night and picks up transsexual prostitutes off the streets.

It’s ridiculous. JUST BE YOURSELVES PEOPLE.

Love has always been a central theme of music, and its hard to find a song in the world that isn’t about either a man or a woman who has fucked somebody over or alternately made them happy as larry. But I think the songs of the past about love were a lot more emphatic and emotional, turning phrases and coining new ones, not being modest and simple about love and giving it a lukewarm glow of happiness. Now, it seems, songs feel the need to have no emphasis or express exaggerated terms that are way, way over-the-top. Most songs now about getting drunk in a nightclub and meeting the skankiest, grottiest, greasiest girl known to man and taking her home with you for a night kebab-fuelled sex, which is immediately regretted the next day. It may be real to life, but it’s not exactly “My Heart Will Go On”.

But although there are some good songs about love, that’s not what this article is about. It’s about stopping love songs where we are now, they aren’t going to get any better or more meaningful. We need to start branching out to other topics, like food. I just want to hear songs about pizza and chips. Not dissimilar to The Fast Food song. MacDonald’s, MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.

Those were the days. The good old days.

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