Hey what have you got for school dinner today? Salmonella.

There is a section in my brain specifically designed to block out all the horrific memories of my school dinners. It takes up at least 5% of the 10% of my brain that I am supposed to use, and this is the reason why I am basically still a child, in a mans body. Now after the gigantic Jamie Oliver ordeal, when he “changed school dinners forever”, I thought the epidemic of malnourished kids in UK schools had finally subsided, but alas, this is not true. This was brought to my attention recently by a blog set up by Veritas Ex Gusto or “Veg”, which I’m hoping for her sake is a pseudonym. The blog is essentially an exposé of how bad school dinners still are, with health ratings given, as well as price listings of how much the lunch cost and even… how much hair was in it. It’s a very clever blog, and quite astonishing that such a young child is running and managing it. But this does make me worry, are we still bring up kids with the same crap that we were once made to suffer through? We were meant to be passed this. I don’t want people to have to suffer like I did, with food made from 7% food and 93% unknown.

Kids are growing up with all kinds of illnesses and deficiencies because of a poor diet, and it may be largely up to the parents to make sure this does not happen, but it should also be taken as a serious responsibility by schools. Kids spend 30 hours a week in school, so how are they supposed to go through their day and function properly without a sufficient lunch? Our brains are powered by energy from our food, and if the schools are serving foods with fat and sugar and hundreds of other unknown chemicals in them, then how are the children supposed to learn and keep all the information they have been taught during the day?

My only fond memory of school dinners is the poisoned goodness of meaty curls (although probably largely made of aborted dog foetuses and paprika) that were infamously known as “Turkey Twizzlers”. These horrible bastards were so disgusting and beautiful at the same time. It confused my brain and mouth for years, and I’m still confused now, how something so horrible could be so good. Turkey Twizzlers would cuddle me at night and tell me I looked great, and the thought of seeing them again made my heart race like a diabetic with a broken pacemaker. They were my one true love. But sadly; they were like falling in love with a herpes ridden Mexican prostitute. You’re bound to get ill from them. And ill I did get. It’s largely because of the fact that they contained so many unknown products that people started to dislike them and get rid of them from schools, but it was even more because of Jamie Oliver. I admired Jamie’s bravery in taking on schools to try and make school dinners better for children, but it seems like as soon as the schools saw Jamie’s van leave the parking lot they immediately dived back into the cupboard to get the ‘almost’ Fish Fingers made for 4% fish, and the ‘nearly’ burgers made predominately of 3 week old road kill.

It’s hard to see how schools can infect kids with such bad food, and worst of all, MAKE THE KIDS PAY FOR IT. They are essentially paying to be poisoned and grow man breasts and moustaches at age 9.

All I can say is, when I have kids, I’m making their lunches myself. At least then I’ll know what they’ll be eating at school.

If you want to read “Veg”‘s blog, the link is here – http://bit.ly/IIDlSy

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